Kiwis Can Party
Oy yay, oy yay, my wrestling partner / New Zealander / huge house having friend Dana hosted yet another magnificent rumpus on her lovely poolside property. Initially the mood was a tad sedate but then some sexually undefined females stole the spotlight displaying the latest and greatest in spit swapping tongue tagging techniques, a spectacle that caught the eyes and reproductive instrument of every onlooking male in the room. These ambiguously oriented ladies requested I keep their identies secret, sexy, and mysterious, but if you were one of the lucky fucks like myself who witnessed the steamy interactions, you can say that the mental images will outlast any digital representation.
Hoesafe disapeared about 1/6 into the night and was rumored to have been eaten by Tongans, I’ll have more on this as it developes. Christa was being emo for a minute, out of character to say the least, but then she got a lap dance from Dana that bent those curves.
I like how much Dana is smiling in this picture cause at this time she has no idea I pissed in her bushes and accidentally spilled a beer on her floor and ate her kittens.
Towards the latter part of the evening both exhaustion and the slimy hands of liquor were beggining to have visible affects upon me, Mr. Hyde made his appearance rearing his hairy ass and slurred charm at will. Anyway, big ups to J.C. & the holy spirit for blessing me with long arms.
Click HERE to see all the pics from Dana’s Houseparty
!Feliz Cinco De Mayo, NO PANTALOnES!!!
I’m a little fuzzy as to the reason why we celebrate this holiday we call Cinco De Mayo, but I’m pretty sure it has to do with this and possibly the Horchata. I do enjoy my rice milk, that shit is bueno as hell. Anywhoo, my fifth of May (which means Cinco De Mayo in case your severly culturally and linguistically inept) brought me to the house of Harley with a chica in hand, and notice I’m the only cowboy bad enough to rock the party with my sombrero on head. The situation was a chill one, Umpy is the shit, and this image shall haunt.
The night was still young and Ian flew us over to Danas pad, who jus so happends to live in the middle of satans asshole, past 2 dimly lit roundabouts across some bushes, over the hills and far away. I gotta say though, once we landed and strolled inside the gargantuan residence complete with a stocked bar and Thomas the Bartender who I’m half sure must have come with the h ouse, I was impressed. There was a pool that I’m quite happy Alexa didn’t roll into in the midst of her fuzzy minded conditition.
I think the first thing I did when I got in the main room was to touch Travis. A couple parties ago I witnessed four girls lick each other which was supremely bitchin to say the least, so I guess you could call this tame by comparison, but still semi-bitchin. Ari was there, neat.
When Fejj is all schmoked out he spits some fairly boring shit.
In case you overlooked it, lemme tell you that my legion of hoes were also in attendance rockin the brandings that I gave them, that lil sticker got to second base with a lotta females I think. It was clearly on Dana’s mind. Ya’ll can’t do like NBHQ.
So as liquor gets hold of the head, liver, soul I found myself in a squabble with the host herself, she musta been talkin shit about my man boobs or something iono, but I took major and offence and reintroduced her to her own floor and you can plainly see my first hand bite of the night, but certainly not the last. She was sendin them kung fu kicks straight to the ball sack, someone must have tipped her off to my most vulnerable pressure point. When she tried an encore I caught both feet in my pecs and than began to tie her into pretzel, but she countered with the dreaded scarring scalp technique being sure to make a excruciating impact on each and every hair follicle. I retaliated and gave her the right to submit and call me Daddy or feel poppa at his meanest she opted for option be, and the smackdown was applied, I held back, remembering what happend the last time I really handed it to a lady, bad times. Wow…after reading this back to me I’m realizing how bad this makes me look…so…don’t tell your friends. I gave her a rose and we made up.
ZOLTAN!!!!!!!!!!
A couple weekends back I was gonna make a post about Geoffs Telly but my dear friend and life partner Hoesafe beat me to the punch and he did it better than me, go figure, you can check him out at his very own website Joes On Hoes, hot shit I do declare. A couple quick notations about that night though that hoesafe seemed to overlook:
Before I end this ish I gotta say happy 1 year anniversary to my woman who treated me to a lovely brunch / dinner on an island by means of a ferry. Oh what a GLORIOUS DAY. And thanks for not making fun of my falling asleep and drooling on the way home. <3
Prom 2006
Ah yes Prom 2006, my first and last as a student of Aragon High School, a startling fact indeed. First and foremore I gotta thank Lauren (that’s the only picture I have of her) for helpin me pick out a tux to match my impeccable sense of style. Than I have to thank my mom for passing along her height genes, and pops for the bronzen tan. I rather enjoy how it took me less than an hour to scrub my grimey hairy ass in the shower, shave, apply generous amounts of deoderant and cologne and be out the door while it took my date 14.2 hours and she still forgot my corsage! Frickin broads eh? Dinner was served at my boy Adam’s house, I have found memories of that home of his. We enjoyed steak while I enjoyed thirds and fourths, and people ask me where I keep it all. When fully assembled we make a respectable mob.
And of course, as a respectable swarm of respectable individuals, we require an equally bitchin mode of transportation, when others went stupid, dumb, retarded in low riding second-rate limousines and yellow cabs, we went stretch, we went big with our stretch navigator luxurious to the max. We also had a robot like driver who we persuaded to answer to the name “Mario” because he fuckin should for 75 bucks a head. We tried to get him to shave my ass but he respectably turned us down. That was my first experience in a limousine and I must say, I was impressed. Mario sure knows how to treat a man. When we arrived in front of the Gifts Center in San Francisco, Mario came and opened our doors and winked at me and slapped my ass on the way out. Jay Kay. We were dressed to kill and ready to mingle. The crowd was indeed dense, and check out Juan there in the backround throwin up god knows what. Maybe he was pissed I was jockin his lovely cousin. Shhh.
So remember I told you fucks to vote for me for Prom King? Well, a lot of you did and you nominated the hell outta me, but a chill dude by the name of Jared Abbott beat me to it. Even though it was rigged and I demand a recount, it’s an honor losing to a man of his stature. Godspeed Jared. Maybe I’ll try again in four years when im a Senior in college and I can prey on some Freshman. That was for Ian. I hope he gets it.
In the midst of everything, the fantastic fab four made a reunion tour right in the middle of the dance floor and Ian endin up gettin his bra ripped and his dress torn, and his wrist bloody. I was responcible for the first two things. Dawkness Jr. went dumb cripple style. A slip-n-fall would register fairly high on my hilarity scale. LINDA BURNSSS! won Prom Queen, she reminds me of pochahontas in that pic. “Have you ever heard the wolf cry of the blue corn moon?” Disney trivia anyone? Anyone? Well..check out me and my queen.
The last song was played, the lights turned down low, and Mario was instructed “Yo homie drive slow”. Off to the Cathedral Inn we went, were we would drown our sobriety away, and prepare ourselves for a night of rambuncious merriment. OH SIX style. Bitches. Hella people had rooms so it was kinda like guess and check throughout each story, Lago & Alexandre denied access like a morally intact teenager. Luckily my guy was a little more loose on his entry policies and we came, we saw, and we mooched. He had a ass washer in his bathroom that under normal circumstances would have weighed much heavier on my mind. Thank god I didn’t have myself a seat.
These girls kissed, I enjoyed that very much. Very much. Than four girls touched their tongues in sweet wonderful dykish unity. I enjoyed that twice as much. I’m not 100% positive but I think Kyle is drooling in this pic and I think he fell on that beeramid shortly thereafter. But iono if that was before or after the “massage”. Charges have not yet been filed by the female receipiant. Meanwhile upstairs, Emily was in la-la land and looking quite funny in that pic I must say.
I decided to retire to Amanda’s room with the likes of Ian, Em, Ash, Christa and others. Sleep was not attained during this night and inspiration struck at quarter to 6 am when we those immune to the cold hands of sleep ascended up 4 flights of stairs to the heavenly plateu that was the roof of the Cathedral Inn. It was quite a view and quite a feeling, one I shall carry with me until I am old and my ass hair turns grey. That wasn’t my shirt that I was wearing, but I hope I didn’t nod off and forget a late night rendez vous with a illusive partner in the pisser with the ass washer in it. Hell of a view.
Breakfast was caught at about 1 pm the day following prom, the first meal in what seemed like years, I got me a meat lovers slam which sounds like a wrestling move for the Gay Wrestling Federation, and than ate Ians superbird and Ashley’s bacon when she wasn’t looking. Cause I’m meaty. I think Ian cried cause I stole his super bird. My bad dude.
Cheers to Prom. And in case I forgot to include any pics:
Patties Recap
I arrive stag at Megs, the doors opened and I quickly see everyone is about 10 shots ahead of me, and this frickin CZIG chic brought her camera too, so my lil cam had some competition. I find this picture amusing because it kinda looks like Ari is getting his dork tugged. Heres my most heterosexual moment of the night, Nick Brady does not let men kiss him because he is gay, it’s only because I have run out of women. Oh wait, scratch that last statement, heres Drew on my nuts, literally. But I got some booby and booty shots to cancel that shit out. Enjoy that, heres a two for price of one shot.
In the midst of binge drinking and jig dancing, Drew and I took part in a push-up competition, and lemme jus say that lil shitbird can squeeze out a bunch, but once again my B-Cup beauts prevailed and I think that explains why he was on my nuts the rest of the night; as documented in the previous picture… I then took my PRRRRIZEEE, yehhhh suck on that COLIN ooooohhh yeahhh baby, got em done.
Here we have Meg aroused at the sheer presence of my automobile, and yes shes a big fan of my backseat, they don’t call me wide load for nothin eh? Back inside, the midnite cowgirls seemed to be aroused at the sheer presence of each other. Check this out if you don’t believe me.
The nastiest part of the night had to be all that fuckin cheese gettin passed around. Alexa. Ari. Fuckin madness I say, those American singles were not intended to be eaten or smelled by human orifices its no mayo but its god damn close. Lock that shit up and feed the key to Tina.
The story behind this lovely photo was that I inquired to the ladies as to the size and girth of my phallus, which, if you know me on a personal level is called upon as Nick Jr. Melissa doesn’t believe me, and suggested I put my money where my crotch is. I denied. But Alexa says I mooned her and scarred her corneas with my beastly, hairy, yetty ass. I believe it, hell, it made Zack pass out. Yeh he’s a better guitar player than I, which pisses me off, I bet Nick Jr. would win in a cage match.
All in all it was another succesfull night at Megs and in case I missed some pics, you can check em all out
here
Oh and lest we forget:
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