Eatin, Peein, and Sleepin
Holy cow my apetite is ferocious! I’d spoon the hair off your back if I can’t mooch bita sammich offa somebody, seems like it jus started this week, but good fuck am I hungry. Maybe it’s the thug life I’m livin, maybe it’s the lifting, maybe I jus gotta fuel my belly engine. I eat off of a pretty diverse menu, takes me about two days to polish offa box of mini wheats, I eat like 90 carrots a day, and I eat big hunks of chicken before I lift, which in case you didn’t know, is the poorman’s protein shake. I drink a lotta wooter and milk and I pee it out very fast, like speed racer fast. Lifting is goin good though, I’m on the board for puttin 225 over my chest, and I was reppin 205 today, tommorow? Who knows, I may soon need a bra for these meaty man titties.
So I got picked to be in one of those paid surveys tommorow, this one is on video games, and they’re payin me a hunderd bones. Anyone that has been to my house knows the only video game console I got is the ol NES…and that’s in the garage…and my Mario cartridge got run over. All the while on the phone there askin me, “you have this game? do you like it? what about this one?” I’m suprised bullshit didn’t seep through his phone while I was sayin all of it, I’m glad it dint though cause I passed the test and dem bones are as good as mine. Only neg is its in the city, round 5 oclock, for almost two and a half hours, but hey thats still like…300 dollars an hour? I’m not really a math guy.
Speaking of math:
Jeff struck again in maff class when he whipped this beaut out for me, said it only took em 2 periods to perfect, sure is pretty.
Yeh so I forgot to mention my run around Lake Merced last weekend, and I also forgot to talk about my wonderful morning breakfast with my wonderful gramma, and you think I’m gonna talk about it, you got another thing comin…jerk.
Something/someone I will talk about is Jordan Freeda, I don’t know anyone who has broken shit as much as him. His latest break is in his arm, a compound fracture, busted in two places, needing two metal plates, anyway I was wrong, I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, but you do hafta watch this documentary he made about the experience.
K last thing:
And you can make your own stupid grilled cheese sammich face by clicking here
– Worlds Smallest Website
– Celebrity Lookalikes
– Realtime Global Population Counter
– Funny Foxes
– Great Headline
– Paparazzi Punchout
– Half Asian / Half Gerbil
– VVVVVVV V Unit!
– Lohan got jacked!
A Fashion Forward New Years Eve 2009
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Being the epitome of fucking fashion that I am, I decided to drastically up my level of chic to celebrate the eve of the new year in powerful style, and pushed the idea to the bro calvary to “follow suit”. Â (eh?) Â
And so, decked in our jacket/slacks combo we assembled at Mike’s spot for a meat eating good time or in Ally’s case, tasty veggie borger! Â I did well to gain acquaintanceship with Sir Slug, the resident pug of the Klink pad. Â I invite you to share the lol that I feel from looking at this wondrous image – here, we see the slug pug locked in epic gaze with Laura in what can only be described as rofflefull. Â
The night wore on and the grains of 2008’s sand slipped away, we all did well to drain bottles of Fat Tire and I made more sausages disappear than a homosexual who has homosexual intercourse.  (noonprop8). Â
A few more Fat Tires later I was getting awfully friendly with hoesafe, much like he was having a good go at my knee some months prior. Â
After we were all sufficiently loaded up on animal bits and the average twenty-year olds  idea of premium booze we responsibly piled into the respective cars of sober drivers.  Reassembling at Courtney’s pad and evidently, ROLLIN’ FUCKIN DEEP SON. Â
By this time, (11:00pm maybe?) Â I was a bit passed standard sauciness and quickly approaching high school drunk. Â If you’re wondering what this can look like on my face, allow me to present you with the following photo evidence : Exhibit A, Exhibit B, & Exhibit C.Â
As many can atest to I am not a violent dude, nor am I typically overly confrontational and even when I’ve been hittin the medicine hard I like to think I do alright to not be “that guy.” Â What I’m getting at is I pick people up. Â Always. Â All the time. Â Always. Kelsey, who looks to be drinking what can only be green bean juice, I picked her up. Â Jenny, picked her up twice, possibly relocating a hair or two of hers onto Courtney’s kitchen ceiling. Â As for my lovely ass girlfriend…well, this aint that kinda website. Â This, I had nothing to fucking do with. Â
Cute-as-a-button girls are not the only potential prey, hoesafe got some manlove from yours truly too. Â He didn’t like that. Â Not. Â One. Bit. Â And the rest of the night he hid. Â
Happy New Year – here’s the rest of the pics.
I Killed Young Buck
Here I sit rideless with my thumb up my ass, tried to drive to the gym and ended up with a deer fallin on top of me and a head full of glass. Allow me to elaborate: Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, roughly 4:30 in the P.M. I was cruisin over to the gym for some preemptive turkey calorie burning…For the locals reading I will note that I was traveling down 92 heading towards Foster City. In the corner of my eye I spotted a long deer tryin to pull a frogger across 4 lanes of near rush hour traffic at which moment a sudden seizure of respiratory action took place. All I could do was watch the poor guy get past 2.5 lanes and the center divide before a SUV hit him at full speed sending him airborne with a downward trajectory aimed right at me, I down shifted hard and braked swerving into the shoulder closing my eyelids tight anticipating a forceful impact. It came. I fumbled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911 and with that I was notified that “Currently all emergency operators are helping others and to stay on the line”… (ya kthxbye) I opened my eyes and immediately became overwhelmed with the amount of glass and deer hair that had lodged itself in every conceivable nook and cranny of my former vehicle.
I stepped out of the car, a bit shaken to say the least and went over to the deer which was very still but still writhing in pain. I said my words and made my peace with him right before a member of San Mateo’s finest put 2 in the peaceful creatures cranium. I’ve always a longstanding appreciation for deer and having one shatter my windshield, put a whole in my hood, and dent both front panels makes me think no less upon the species. I am very sorry for the deer and very lucky that Highway Crew didn’t have venison and white irish meat to clean up.
Aftermath: Engine saw no damage and remains the most valuable asset to the car itself with barely 82,000 original miles on a 13 year old car. With the windshield gone you could almost call it a fucked up convertible of sorts with a built in glass propelling heating system.
I got checked out by the Firefighters / EMT’s and suffered only mildshock and a new glassy finish from head to wiener. My pops extracted enough glass from my scalp to blow a god damn shotglass but sadly I received no scars I could invoke pity lays with :(. FTL overall. FTL
Local Noise
Element94 is comprised of a 4 dudes from Belmont who rock socks off with well put together riffs and songs rich with universal meaning. Singer, John Lewis, belts out angst ridden lyrics telling of everything from missed romances to the denouncement of formal education. Element94 flourishes now from its once, humble roots back when their sound was nearly synonymous with that of a tourettes sufferer hijacking a microphone. Thankfully, E94 is no longer considered noise pollution but rather, the quintessential garage band turned local pop punkers from the peninsula. Check them out on MySpace, give “Every Little Bit Helps” a listen.
The KJA Pack, a title I bestow upon them only because they are formally untitled. The KJA Pack is comprised of K-Dubb, Jeff (or Fejj as I normally refer to him as), and Adam. Adam is the new addition to the mix, he brings yet another serving of Caucasian into the equation and he drives a Supra so I’m down with that. I’ve raved about these guys before, telling of their mastery on the mic, the flawlessness of the flows but I tell of them now as matured craftsmen of the clutch worthy of your listen. Check them out on MySpace, and give a listen to “Fresh Melon Smellin.”
Raul’s Son, my boy, former slayer at Aragon’s hip hop club. The once timid high school junior with curly fries for hair has transformed himself into a confident lyricist with vocab for days. Raul has refined himself into a eating and spitting hip hop powerhouse utilizing his weapons of mass construction, Raul pumps out lyrics like an overactive colon. Check him out on MySpace, listen to “Killa.”Honorable Mentions
Extremely Relaxed Animals : Barry from Element94 & Hoesafe combine their collective string plucking skills and harmonize in their rendition of Taking Back Sunday’s – A Decade Under the Influence.
Bird Announced Land : A melodic pair of ladies whose musical talent is only surpassed by their immense vernacular. Their one and only song is a tune I have yet to get over, I don’t know what it is about, but I think of it as audio ectasy. Check out their MySpace and listen to “To the Shore”